Dear Ryan Lochte…

* This letter to Ryan Lochte comes after watching Ryan’s new show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? on E! last night. *

Dear Ryan Lochte,

You are a super talented swimmer with a ton of sneakers. You have beautiful abs, super soft looking hair, and a playful grin that would rival any boy on any elementary school playground.

You have a family that adores you, and a line of girls as long as the lines at chicken restaurants waiting for you to take them out for sushi.

It’s sweet when you are asked a question and it takes you the entire length of the Friends theme song to answer.  I thought I would hate that about you.

I thought I would hate you, Ryan Lochte.

It turns out that I want to marry someone like you – maybe even you, if I can teleport to wherever you are and strut my chunky ass in front of your face.

I never thought I would love you, but I find myself picking out your clothes (a propeller hat and a swimsuit) and your lunch (Goldfish crackers and root beer).

I don’t know if you would ever love a girl like me – swimming gives me gas and being on television would give me anxiety; I would have to draw on your bellybutton every single day to ease the pain.

Just know that you, Ryan Lochte, are like a prize at the bottom of a cereal box.

Until we meet,

 Felicia

Couch Treasures

I’ve always been an under-the-couch surfer.  I’d never stuck my hands into the deep abyss of a couch cushion before, it was always “Let’s look under the couch and go hunting!”  No one ever played along with me, though, and  I was always left breathless on my tummy for a good ten minutes before I gave up and went back outside to search for the Ice Cream Man.

Oh yeah, that’s me.

Even though I’m in my twenties, I still hope to find a real treasure under a couch.  It doesn’t have to be my couch.  In fact, it could even be your couch. These would be acceptable treasures:

• Zac Efron
• A stale meatball (because every meatball is a good meatball)
• My future wedding ring (what an amazing proposal that would be!)
• The iPhone 7
• A Mary Poppins bag
• Mary Poppins
• Beef
• A hand to hold

If anyone has ever found anything under a couch, I would love to hear about it.