* This letter to Ryan Lochte comes after watching Ryan’s new show What Would Ryan Lochte Do? on E! last night. *
Dear Ryan Lochte,
You are a super talented swimmer with a ton of sneakers. You have beautiful abs, super soft looking hair, and a playful grin that would rival any boy on any elementary school playground.
You have a family that adores you, and a line of girls as long as the lines at chicken restaurants waiting for you to take them out for sushi.
It’s sweet when you are asked a question and it takes you the entire length of the Friends theme song to answer. I thought I would hate that about you.
I thought I would hate you, Ryan Lochte.
It turns out that I want to marry someone like you – maybe even you, if I can teleport to wherever you are and strut my chunky ass in front of your face.
I never thought I would love you, but I find myself picking out your clothes (a propeller hat and a swimsuit) and your lunch (Goldfish crackers and root beer).
I don’t know if you would ever love a girl like me – swimming gives me gas and being on television would give me anxiety; I would have to draw on your bellybutton every single day to ease the pain.
Just know that you, Ryan Lochte, are like a prize at the bottom of a cereal box.
Until we meet,